Category Archives: real world

It is a Dark and Stormy Post…

As I write this post, it is a dark and stormy night. The wind is howling in the leaves, and (Lord willing) I will NEVER AGAIN NEED TO EXIT THE CAFETERIA INTO A HAILSTORM. Seriously. That was an absolute nuisance. And I GOT ICE IN MY HAIR. And it melted before I got a chance to see it!

Wow…

Isn’t that a little dramatic for you, Webmaster?

I’ll blame it on the weather.

But anyways, that is a marvelous segue.

One of my favorite forms of procrastination is looking at amusing websites. One that I absolutely love visiting annually is the Bulwer-Lytton Bad Opening Sentence contest.

You admire people who can write badly? That explains so much!

Hush, Fluffy.

Anyways, the contest is in “honor” of Bulwer-Lytton, the infamous author who first published a book with an opening sentence that contained the phrase “It was a dark and stormy night”.

This is definitely one of my favorite re-read websites. The sentences are so delightfully badly written! And actually, some of them look like they’d be the start of some very amusing books.

If you’re bored, or looking for a laugh, I highly recommend checking out the winners.

Bananagrams!

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A friend of mine has introduced me to a game: “Bananagrams”.

It’s a rather fun game, and somewhat similar to scrabble. Another name for it is actually “Speed Scrabble.” Basically, all the tiles from scrabble go into the middle of the table (face-down), and there isn’t a board.

Bananagram Tiles

Each player then starts off with some number of tiles (twelve in our version.) Then each person tries to use their tiles to come up with as many connected words as possible. (Basically, imagine that you have your own small scrabble board in front of you.) More to the point, each person tries to use all their tiles. If someone does so, s/he shouts “peel”, and everyone takes a new tile.

Let me guess: Part of the purpose is to be as loud and obnoxious as possible when telling everyone to get a new tile?

How on Earth did you guess?

Alright, so it depends on who all is playing. There are some people who are so fast, they don’t have time to yell. Seriously. It’s like they’re just saying “Peelpeelpeelpeel…” over and over again. Those people are annoying.

Since you’re clearly not one of them, I’m not surprised.

How could you tell I’m not one of them?

You’re primarily writing this blog post in a monosyllabic vocabulary. With an occasional polysyllabic word to break up the monotony.

Oh. Good point.

Yeah, I’m not the best. But I have come up with a way to work against those wordier folks, though!

Oh? This worries me…

Yes. First, a bit more background. The game also lets you trade out tiles. You can put one of your tiles in the pile, and then take two more random tiles. Now, you can also put your discard tiles anywhere you choose. Also, you see, if someone calls “peel”, the players sometimes don’t look at where they take the tile from.

That makes it easier to damage other players’ tile selection. That way, if you get a harder to use word (like “Q”) you can put it in the area where the best choose from most often. That will sometimes slow them down, and may allow other players to catch up.

Even if that strategy doesn’t keep them from winning, it still can add laughter into the mix.

Anywho, I’ve found it to be a game that I surprisingly enjoy! I highly recommend trying it some time.

Book Review: “Alibi: Jr. High”

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My family & I are all bibliophiles. I seriously love to read. I especially enjoy fantasy, sci-fi, and sometimes generic “fluff” fiction. (Not romantic fluff. Eww. But books that have minimal content-value.)

Just last summer, I was in a Crown Books Store, and I came across a fantastic gem of a book. And decided that it was well worth the $8 the book store was asking for. Seriously, one look at the cover and I was sold.

Book cover of Alibi Junior High

I know that they say “don’t judge a book by its cover”, but seriously? That cover just about says it all. “Alibi Junior High”, with a picture of a kid dressed like what Americans assume spies look like? Priceless.

Just to confirm that it would be as ridiculous as it appeared on the outside, I did start to read it. And oh my word. It was so unintentionally hilarious.

The first sentence: “I hate airports.” Yes. It was first person. And clearly trying to be dramatic.

On the next page, while still describing airports, and this (presumably spy) is going through the airport checking for potential threats, the phrase “It’s one huge, emotional paper shredder” appeared. How can you say “no” to a book like that?

And it keeps getting better and better. (Or worse and worse, if you’re looking for high quality writing.)

We discover that Cody, the main character of the book, is a thirteen year old boy who has been living with his father, and participating in clandestine operations all over the world. And, as he tells his aunt who he ends up living with due to odd circumstances, his “English and math skills are on a college level”, he speaks five different languages, has two black belts, has been to “every corner of the globe”, and he’s been in “more dangerous situations in any given month than most [Junior Highers] have been in their whole lives.” And now this kid is trying to go to Junior High, and trying to fit in, in order to stay undercover while his dad takes care of something.

Needless to say, it goes painfully on from there. This boy is “perfect”, except for knowing how to fit in. He knows more than his teachers about all of his subjects (it seems), he’s able to out-sneak a special-ops military man who’s home after being wounded, ends up sorting out the PE Coach’s bullying problem, starts a martial-arts / defense club, gets kidnapped (of course) and then manages to save the day. Oh, and he starts wearing fancy, expensive suits to school (while trying to stay undercover) because it’s what he’s accustomed to wearing.

Yeah.

Anyways, I discovered that it was a hilarious read. Most especially, it was a fantastically hilarious “read-aloud.”

If you’re looking for a laugh, melodrama, and totally unbelievable fluff, I highly recommend Alibi Junior High. Especially if you can get it at a major discount.

Have a great week!

Brownies

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Hello, readers! I hope you’re having a wonderful weekend.

However, since it is a weekend, you might be feeling a bit bored. Not to worry! I have the solution! You can do some baking. But not just any baking; how about following the United States’ military 26-page recipe for brownies?

From what I can tell, this recipe originated for one or more of several reasons. The first is that the bureaucracy in America has taken over the world. The second is that the U.S. soldiers deserve the most time spent on their desserts. Of course, that does not mean the recipe must taste very good. Indeed, the dessert was designed to last, not necessarily to taste phenomenal.

Still, it’s definitely amusing seeing all the stipulations that get thrown into the recipe!

If you do actually make them, let me know?

Happy Saturday!

How do YOU feel about Muffin Flavored Shrimp?

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Webmaster, what is with that title?

It’s descriptive of what I’m going to be talking about, of course!

I thought that it had been too long since I went around ~~terrorizing~~ asking people I know random questions, so I decided the situation must be rectified. That was also helped, of course, by the fact that a perfect, totally random question came to me.

And it has to do with “muffin flavored shrimp”? Brassicae, I don’t think I want to know…

Oh, it’s not that bad. I was simply having a meal with friends, and somehow a variety of random words came into the conversation that turned into a delightful question. So, I went around asking people, “How do you feel about muffin flavored shrimp of the paintball variety that have been defenestrated after being exsanguinated?”

Bwah? What does that even MEAN?

Well, working backwards: Exsanguinated means being completely drained of blood. To defenestrate someone is to throw them out of a window. And then I’m not entirely sure what shrimp “of the paintball variety” would be, but muffin-flavored shrimp would be odd.

Exsanguinated Defenistrated Muffin Flavored Shrimp

Exsanguinated Defenestrated Muffin Flavored Shrimp

Anyways, some of the answers were very amusing:

Answers

Wait, muffin flavored SHRIMP?
No, just no.
Who paid you to ask me this?
Ah, those poor unfortunates. Their situation is truly discouraging; they really need representation, and a voice amongst the people!
No. I’ve seen the kind of muffins you eat.
*confused noises*
Cooked or raw?
I think someone needs psychoanalytical counseling.
Why were the shrimp defenestrated? I mean, everything else makes sense, but why would you throw them out the window?
Well, I’m not particularly fond of shrimp. But I do like muffins, and I’m always in favor of defenestration and exsanguination. So on the whole, I’d say I have a positive reaction.
Why are you a) draining the shrimp of blood, b) throwing them out a window? and c) WHAT THE BLOODY [] DID YOU PUT IN YOUR ORANGE JUICE?
You know, from what I understand, the counseling center is actually pretty good
That’s gross
I’m all for them!
I think that it’s a gross violation of shrimp’s rights. Freezing them and eating them is one thing, but this is something else entirely. I think that we should take a stand against this!
Not very useful…
It’s good that they’ve been drained of blood first.
If I knew what they were, I’m sure I’d be for it.
No. Just no. Muffins are supposed to be lightly textured and sweet. Shrimp are supposed to be meaty and salty. You can’t do that. It’s like… like ketchup and ice cream.
I don’t know, but they definitely would not be accepted by a finite state automata.
As long as there are enough teeth, I’m interested.
at this point, they are inedible because they have been thrown on the ground.
I’m not sure. I’m not a fan of shrimp to begin with, so the muffin flavor wouldn’t help.

What did that person mean, “I’ve seen the kind of muffins you eat?”

Oh, look at the length! I guess that muffins will need to wait until another post.

Anyways, dear readers, what is your response to this question?

Banana Slicers

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I know that I’m new to this world. But seriously, after finding out about the ostentatious wastes of money that exist, I thought I’d seen it all.

As it turns out, I was wrong. Horrifyingly wrong. Because, well, you see…

WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU PEOPLE BUY AND SELL ITEMS LIKE “BANANA SLICERS” FOR 10 BUCKS?

What?

Banana slicers. You heard me. Designed to make perfectly even banana slices. Because knives are too dangerous for this fruit. Ten Dollars.

Oh, my…

“Oh, my” is the right response. I mean, have you even seen the reviews? A ninja who used to make money by perfectly slicing bananas for celebrities (top of the 1 star reviews)? I think I may have lost all faith in your-

-Oh, those are hilarious!

What’s hilarious?

Oh, sorry Fluffy. Um, you see, most of those reviews are written very tongue-in-cheek, and are definitely worth a read. Don’t worry, our world isn’t actually full of people who care too much about perfectly sliced bananas.

Wait, you don’t care?

Umm… Should I?

So, those reviews aren’t serious? Your world doesn’t actually care about perfectly sliced bananas?

Uh, no?

How can you not CARE? They’re bananas! They’re designed as a mental challenge: How can you perfectly slice them, to the optimal thickness! And… you don’t care!

… What just happened?

Nothing. I was just staying in practice for if I ever go back to acting.

…Oh.

But seriously. Knowing that those are tongue in cheek helps a bit. But who comes up with a banana slicer in the first place?

People on too much sugar and caffeine?

Fair enough.

Anyways, readers, have a great day!

Congratulations! You have introduced an “Earbug”!

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I sometimes have problems.

Sometimes?

Yes, sometimes.

You see, I remember tunes. But frequently not words. And very frequently, not entire sets of tunes/words.

Furthermore, my friends often like music that I normally wouldn’t listen to. And unfortunately, their music gets stuck in my head not infrequently. And IT WON’T COME OUT.

A different friend of mine refers to those pieces as “earbugs.” And they couldn’t be better named, from my perspective. It’s something somewhat in your ear, and it won’t come out.

Oh, the tragedy. My heart bleeds for you.

Wow, you actually care about me?

No. That was sarcasm.

I actually find that quite amusing.

Oh.

Yeah, I guess there are worse problems to have.

But anyways. There’s currently one song that is frequently getting stuck in my head. It’s fairly popular, and also fairly inane. I mentioned this to the friends that introduced the piece to me, and they are quite pleased with themselves. In fact, “instead of blaming [them], [I] should give [them] a medal.”

Ooh, there are medals for annoying you?

Not yet, there aren’t…

Well, I guess I’ll need to fix that!

Hey!

Yup. Definitely gold medal worthy. Now, for an inscription… In this case, yes! Here we go:

Congratulations! You “Introduced an Earbug”.

So, readers, if anyone introduces an earbug to you, you can now just copy a picture of this medal, and send it to that person. Voila, instant medal!

…

I’m not sure whether you’re evil, or a genius. Or none of the above.

All of the above. I’m an actress, remember?

Pet Products

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Your world… It has weird priorities.

You’ve mentioned… What sparks the comment this time?

How your world treats pets. If you have money, anyways.

I mean, never mind the earrings or staples from your first post. How about spending $4 million for a dog tiara?

Hmm. That is a bit pricy…

Agreed.

But the thing that bothers me the most, is how on earth did that one dude train his dog to submit to a retinal scanner?

So, people are spending thousands, even millions of dollars on their pets, and the thing that bothers you is training the dog?

I think it’s official; you’re hopeless.

…

Anyways, readers, Happy Monday! Have a great week.

My Favorite Ways to Procrastinate

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Haha! I’ve finally beaten Fluffy to a Daily Fluff again.

Anyways, hello!

I’m sure most of you are human. As such, I’m also fairly sure that you sometimes want a way to ~~procrastinate~~ do something that may help you avoid doing something tedious that you probably ought to be doing. Or maybe you just need a way to take your mind off of stuff, and laugh. Well, I’m here to help you find some good ways to do that!

First of all, one of my favorite blogs: Cakewrecks. This is a blog devoted to cakes.

Cakes. How enthralling.

No need to be sarcastic, Fluffy. These aren’t just any cakes. No. These are Cakes that have been professionally made, but look… less than perfect. Or are just bizarre. (There are some very well done cakes that are just odd. Trust me.) I know it may not sound like a normal way to spend time, and it’s not! It’s funny and awesome. There have been several times that I’ve burst out laughing. Not only are the cakes amusing, but the commentary is phenomenal.

If you’ve already seen Cakewrecks and are caught up, one of the webcomics that I follow is Darths & Droids. This is especially for Star Wars & Gaming fans. The background is also quite amusing: What if Star Wars were actually a role play game, where none of the players knew about the universe? They start off with Phantom Menace, and are (as of right now) in the process of going through New Hope. This is another hilarious way to spend time. Seriously, there have been times I’ve about died of laughter. (Be sure to read the comments right after the comic. The creators give “tips” on how to run a RPG.)

In the category of “cute”, cuteoverload is always a good choice. I mean really, who can say no to pictures of adorable animals?

Do they have pictures of Horpadies?

I’ve never even heard of those. So no. What are they?

You don’t have Horpadies on your world? What a shame. They’re the cutest creature known to our world. They’re small, fuzzy, have these hugely oversized wings, and are known to melt people’s hearts. If they can be tamed, they make great pets. Of course, if they aren’t tamed they’re amazing predators.

Oh. We have something similar. They don’t have wings, and they aren’t always good pets, but they’re called “Polar Bear Cubs.” Or maybe “wolf puppies.” I think that site has some pictures and videos of both.

Back to the more geeky, another webcomic that my sister introduced me to is Girl Genius. This is a steampunk style amazing comic. First of all, it’s all about mad scientists. How can you beat that? Second, it totally brings to life a new world, with different cultures. There are monsters that have to have the right hat (and speak in a definite accent), there’s a castle that is alive and has an evil sense of humor, and there’s one scene that is about coffee. In a hilarious, “oh my heavens I need to read that again” sort of way. And the art is also phenomenal. Heads up, it takes a little bit to get into, but it’s well worth it. And they’re still updating every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. So that’s a plus. (Or a minus, depending on whether you prefer reading a finished story, or there still being more to read.)

Last for today, again in the category of “cute”, Simon’s Cat videos are also amazing. I’ve never owned a cat, but I’ve been around enough to realize that these animated shorts fully capture the epitome of “cat”. And they’re just darling. I think I watched “Let Me In” multiple times in a row the first time I saw it. It’s absolutely priceless.

I hope you find something to help keep you entertained!

Happy Ferris Wheel Day!

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Hello again, everyone!

I hope you’re having a fantastic Ferris Wheel Day!

Uh, Fluffy? Don’t you mean “Valentine’s Day”?

Of course! It’s the same thing.

Wait, WHAT?

You waited too long to write today’s fluff, so it’s my turn. And I’m talking about today, this Valentines / Ferris Wheel day.

I’ve done some research on today, and apparently on this day, George Washington Ferris, Jr., creator of the Ferris Wheel, was born.

Now, it seems as though he was quite the man. Not only does he have his own invention and day, but it’s also one of the more commercially celebrated days. And you gave it a new name, because really, who wants to say “Happy George Washington Ferris, Jr., Day!”? Nobody, that’s who. I haven’t done the research, since I’m throwing this together last minute since The Webmaster didn’t actually write up a post like she promised…

I was busy, ok? And I don’t think that’s rig-

but I’m guessing that George Washington Ferris, Jr., in order to get some anonymity, (and to make it a bit less of a mouthful) changed his name to Valentine.

From what I can tell, his invention is quite the lovebirds’ hideaway. (Benches the perfect size for two people? A potentially romantic view? You bet!)

I’m guessing his invention made a number of women smile with delight on dates, thus making both them and the men call him a saint.

And now, to this day, you celebrate “St. Valentine’s Day”, and celebrate love as well. That’s so sweet! I love your world.

Fluffy, that’s wrong. I don’t care what you think, you need to do more research, because that’s not the story of Valentine’s Day at a-

So, go out and enjoy a Ferris Wheel for me, ok? And have a very happy Ferris Wheel Day.