Monthly Archives: March 2013

Here, Have an Angry Banana.

I can’t think of anything I can write about fairly quickly, so here’s a picture of an angry banana.

Angry Banana

The banana’s ANGRY!!!

Well, there you go! Happy-

No. You are NOT calling this an adequate fluff.


This is way too short. Go out there, and find more content.

Even though you likely won’t like what I come up with?

Hey, you wrote the post. And if you don’t get the wordcount up to at least 200, I’m writing the post.

…Fine. Just give me a few minutes.

Bwahaha! Some way of possibly getting to post again! Hmm, now what will I write about when the Webmaster fails? Ancient Spring traditions of my home? Magic rituals…? Oh, the possibili-

I’m back, and I have content!

If you don’t write it, it didn’t happen.

Well, you’re in luck, because without further ado:

The Top Ten Responses to “You are given an Angry Banana: How do you respond?” (Part 1)

  1. Eat it. This seems obvious. After all, if you eat it, it will no longer be angry.
  2. Study it. Why is the banana angry? Were its parents mean to it as a child? Is it suffering from disillusionment about the egocentricity of the political atmosphere of the current world?
  3. Plant it in the ground. Maybe it will sprout more. Then maybe you can have a whole army of angry bananas!
  4. Walk away slowly. After all, what might an angry banana come up with to do to you? You never can tell.

Oh, look! I’m at about 250 words. I guess I’ll make this a two-part post! Thank you Fluffy!

…Blast. I mean, you’re welcome.

Maybe some day there will be actual content on this blog again…

Well, happy Thursday, folks! Tune in tomorrow for the 2nd half of the The Top Ten Responses to “You are given an Angry Banana: How do you respond?”

(Bad) Movie Review: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians(!)

I had a lot of fun on Saturday. Some friends organized a “so bad it’s good” movie night.

That… sounds horrifying.

No! It was really fun!

That’s the disturbing part…

Oh, no. Trust me. That’s not the disturbing part.

Redivka’s Radish. Please tell me you’re joking.

“Redivka’s Radish”?

Oh, that’s not an expression here…?

No. It’s not.

And no, I wasn’t exactly joking.

We chose the movie “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”

In the middle of March.


Anyways… Heads up, SPOILERS AHEAD:

It starts off on Earth, with an interview with Santa Claus in the “North Pole.” You see his workshop, elven assistants, and toys.

Then you go to “Mars”. And OH. MY. WORD. It was extremely amusing. The producers decided, of course, that Martians are green. And so the Martians wear totally green, and have green skin paint, that was very poorly applied. It looked like it was peeling.

And they also had hats that were (I guess) supposed to be part of their bodies. Or something. But it had some of the campiest special effects I’ve seen. Ok, so it was a 1964 movie. Even so, the effects were awful by today’s standards.

Anyways, as it goes along, you meet the Martian Family. There are the male and female martian children: Bomar & Girmar. (Boy-Martian & Girl-Martian, anyone?) And also Momar, and Kimar. (Kimar’s the leader. So the entire family fits the rule.)

It’s like they didn’t even try to be original.

So anywho. The children Martians are supposedly depressed and stuff, because they’re watching the “earth programs” on the television. (Of course Martians have TV! Why wouldn’t they have stuff that looks like it’s from a 1960s American home?)

The “plot” truly starts when we discover that Martian children all over Mars are becoming depressed, because they are “not permitted to be children.” (One of the lines in there, from Bomar, is along the lines of “Father, what’s tenderness?”)

So the Martians decide to do what any sane Alien would do: Kidnap Santa, and bring him to Mars! (Nevermind the fact that he wouldn’t be able to breathe the Martian atmosphere, and vice versa. Or that it would take a very long time to make a one-way trip, let alone a round trip…)

So the Martians try to do so. They land on Mars, encounter two children who they then proceed to kidnap, (and whose acting quality, if possible, lowers the average acting ability dramatically) and then proceed to the North Pole.

Upon arrival at the North Pole, the children escape. They’re dressed for New York winter weather, and running around in the -91F North Pole. Seriously. The girl’s in tights, for crying out loud. And they can still run, and don’t mention how frigid it is!

Oh, right. They also come across a “polar bear”. Of all the bad special effects in the movie, that one totally takes the cake. It’s so obviously a man in a polar bear costume, that it’s hilarious. (Willing Suspension of Disbelief was definitely eaten by a polar bear, if it hadn’t already disappeared…)

They eventually capture Santa, who’s a very good sport about all this, and take him back to Mars. On the way, an evil martian who accompanied Kimar tries to kill Santa and the two children. And we hear a joke from Santa that will live in infamy: “Q: What’s soft and round and you put it on a stick and you toast it in a fire, and it’s green? A: A Martian-Mallow.”

Upon their arrival, Kimar shows Santa the toy workshop he’s built. The badguy escapes, and plans on causing mischief. A bit of chaos ensues. Finally, Santa persuades Kimar that one of the minor characters would make a decent Martian Santa, and then returns home to earth. And they all live happily ever after, or something.

Oh, and also randomly thrown in were Air-force stock-footage. You could always tell, because the film quality went dramatically up during those scenes.


So, it was definitely an interesting move. What made it really amusing was watching it with friends who delighted in how bad it truly was. It’s worth watching, if you’re in a mood for a B (or C) rated movie.

I don’t know what to say.

You know, for an actress, you do claim to not know what to say a lot

Is that really too surprising? I’m used to having a script. Or at least a plot. It sounds like even this movie wouldn’t have given me either.

Haha, too true.

Anyways, Readers, happy Wednesday! I hope you enjoy the erst of your week.

The Webmaster is Tired

You know, I think I might be a bit tired this week…


I’ve been sorta misreading words recently. Like, there was a time that the cafeteria was serving “warm cherry cobbler.” I read it as “warm cheesy cobbler.”

That sounds disgusting.

That’s what I thought. It took me a moment to discover that no, in fact, the cafeteria as not actually serving something that bizarre.

And then another misread: I misread “desist” as “dentist.” That also made no sense. You see, I was reading-

Wow, again?

Oh, shush. Yes. I was reading. And it was from a noble’s perspective. And he was saying something about people on a boat. (I don’t remember the details. As I said, I was a bit tired.) But next thing I knew, I saw something about a “dentist”. Except, of course, that it wasn’t.


Yeah. I think I was a bit tired. Possibly.

So, readers, do you have any sure indications that you’re tired?

Why One Should NOT Trust The Webmaster’s Food Tastes(1)

So, Webmaster….


A while back, in your muffin flavored shrimp post, you said that you would explain why someone used “I’ve seen what kind of muffins you eat” as a bad thing…

…Oh. I’d hoped you’d forget about it…

It’s part of me. I can no more forget about it than you can forget about your spleen.

Spleen? What does that do?

…Nevermind. And that’s just changing the subject! You said you’d explain later…

Ok, fine. Well, I can certainly give an example.

Yesterday, I came across the most remarkable muffins. They were rainbow colored, presumably in honor of St. Patrick’s Day.

But not just rainbow colored. They were brightly rainbow technicolored.

Rainbow and chocolate muffins on a tray

They were surprisingly good!

…You actually tried one?

Of course!

They were actually sort of fruity flavored. It was surprisingly good.

Pink, green, and yello partially eaten muffin

Proof that the Webmaster ate one.

I think I understand where that respondent is coming from.

Ah well. I guess that means more for me, though!

Yes. You may definitely have mine…

So, readers, what sorts of odd muffins have you had?

3 Myths of St. Patrick’s Day

Hello, everyone!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Saint Patrick’s Day? What’s that?

It’s a holiday that has its origins in Ireland. It’s in honor of a Catholic Missionary who came to Ireland, and converted them to Catholicism. Since he supposedly used a shamrock to illustrate a finer point of Christian theology, shamrocks are notable features of this day. In fact, there are actually a lot of legends that are associated with St. Patrick’s Day.

Why do I get the feeling I don’t want to know?

Well, you’re going to find out anyways.

Legends about St. Patrick’s Day

  1. Everyone Needs to Wear Green

    Nope, not true. My family has always worn orange. (It’s the sign of being a protestant, instead of a Catholic.)

  2. St. Patrick’s Day is a failure if you don’t get Drunk

    I don’t think this one’s true. I’ve never gotten drunk, so either all St. Patrick’s Days have been a failure for me, (even though some of them have been fantastic,) or this is blatantly false.

  3. Leprechauns hide their pots of gold at the end of rainbows

    False. The dragons stole the leprechaun gold over a century ago. I thought everyone knew that.

Yup, I didn’t want to know.

Well, that’s that. Happy St. Patrick’s Day, folks! I hope you have a great one.

Extreme Shepherding: Extreme Sports got Fluffier

Hello, everyone!

I just saw one of the best. things. ever. Seriously. You need to watch this:

Wow. I don’t know what to say…

I know! Amazing, right?

Actually, I was thinking more “and you judge me for liking Pad Thai videos?”

Hey! Sheep, at least, are fluffy. Pad Thai isn’t very.

Oh, fine. I guess that there is more visible fluff in shepherding.

Thank you.

So, readers, what did you think? Have you ever seen extreme shepherding before? Or a fluffy extreme sport of any sort?

Swords that I want…

Hello, everyone!

I’ve been visiting other websites, and I’ve found a number of things that make the actress in me insanely jealous.

This five-foot, very thick LED illuminated sword, for example. I am going through such sword envy, like you have no idea.

Suddenly I’m a bit nervous…

*evil grin*

Suddenly I’m really nervous.

As well you should be… I used to be quite the adept fighter in the shows.

These sword chopsticks also look nifty. If you were to sharpen them, those could be very easily become concealed weapons. Ooh, and then if you were to coat their tips in poison? Ooh! That would be SO DEADLY!

You know, I’m really glad that you’re somehow in the computer universe, and not in real life. Or at least not in my world

You’re really helpful, aren’t you?

Anyways, even if you didn’t poison or sharpen them, it would still just look awesome. I mean really. Having swords come out of your bowl of rice? How cool looking would that be?

Sketch of swords stuck into a bowl of rice

Who wouldn’t want to eat rice with mini swords?

Anyways, readers, are there any sorts of weapons (of the fake or real variety) that you think look awesome?

Happy Pi Day!

From what I can tell, today is a very special day in certain communities. Apparently, it is “pi” day.

Ooh, it’s pi day already?

You actually know about this holiday?

Of course! It’s 3/14. Like “Pi”, one of the favoritist Greek letters of mathematicians! Stands for 3.1415926…

In fact, I composed a couple of poems about it.

That sounds… really scary.

What? It’s fun! In my first one, the number of words in the line maps to the digits of pi. In the second, the number of syllables does.

Want to read them?


Well, you’re going to anyways.

“Pi”em 1

Pie. How delicious.
Not the edible kind?
What, then, do you mean?
Are you sure you’re not in error about this?
Quite sure?
Well, what kind of pie, then?
The mathematical type of “pi”?
That sounds fun.
Maybe even poem worthy. Wait…
Isn’t that what I have done with this structure?

“Pi”em 2

Pie is good.
Even math’s pi.
You can make poems!
The syllables map to pi’s digits.
Isn’t that sort of cool?

See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

Do you really want me to answer that?

Anyways, readers, are you doing anything special for Pi day?

Avoid mistakes like this when writing a book.

So, I’m reading a book-

How wonderful!

Not funny, Fluffy.

Anyways, as I was saying, I’m reading a book about World War 2. The authors just wrote about why the relationship between Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin started to get very anxious. And then, at the beginning of a paragraph, the authors present this gem: “It is almost impossible to underestimate the importance of this moment in the history of the Alliance.” Yes. Underestimate.

Friends, if you ever write a book, make sure you don’t accidentally use the antonym of the word you meant. That can, like, totally undermine the meaning of what you’re trying to say.

So, just to clarify two things… a) the authors just said that nothing is less important than what they just wrote about…

Right. They clearly meant to say “overestimate”.

Second, you actually posted something almost useful?


Anyways, have you come across any unintentionally hilarious books recently?

People would steal good money…

Hello, everyone! Happy Tuesday!

I hope that, despite the evils of the spring time-change, your week is going well.

Anyways, one of my friends and I were chatting at one point, and something she said stuck with me. “People steal good money for a mugshot.”

…What does that mean again?

Well, there are two ways to take it.

First, people would pay a lot of money to get a beautiful photo of a mug:

A picture of a mug with some steaming beverage

People steal good money for a mugshot. Not like this one.

Not like that one, of course. The only good thing about that one is the obvious existence of hot coffee in the mug. Or maybe hot chocolate. Either way, I hope nobody would steal good money for it.

Anyways, the other definition of a mugshot is a picture of people who’ve been arrested. For things like, you know, stealing.

Word play is moderately annoying, you know that?

Of course! Why do you think I do things like this?