Author Archives: Webmaster

What else could be fluffier?

Hello, everyone!

So, a group I know about is collecting crocheted baby clothes to give away. And so do you know what that means? I HAD A LEGITIMATE EXCUSE TO BUY BABY YARN!! and USE IT!!

What, buying inspiration for your website’s color scheme wasn’t enough?

Please. I’ve already designed the color scheme. How can I be buying the yarn for inspiration?

Don’t look at me. You’re the nefarious one who’s occasionally mentioned the equivalent of time-travel on other pages.

Just to clarify… You’re saying that I’m smart enough to have figured out how to go back in time, to change the color scheme, to reflect this post? I’m honored!

But… wait. That doesn’t even work; I couldn’t find yellow yarn, so the yarn doesn’t actually match perfectly! Oh, dear! What’s the point of being a time-traveler if I lose all my ability to color coordinate?

You call this website “color coordinated”?

Well, I try. And seriously, here are the hats:

Fluffy Baby Hats

FLUFFEH!

See? They hardly map to the website colors! They’re totally missing yellow. And they’re not gradiented at all. They clearly didn’t inspire the website colors…

Although, now that I think about it, the website’s colors might have impacted which yarns I bought… Huh.

You seriously bought yarn to coordinate with your website?

I think I’m not going to actually answer that one…

Anywho, happy Saturday, everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful day.

5 legends about the Dik Dik

I have recently come across a new favorite small animal: the Dik Dik.

You and everyone else on the internet…

I’m just trying to stay up to date on trends!

Anyways, I thought I’d list 5 of my favorite legends about Dik Diks.

Five Legends of Dik Diks, that May Be Composed on the Spot

  1. The Dik Dik is named for the sound its hoofs make when it walks. dik-dik dik-dik, dik-dik dik-dik… I don’t know if this is true or not. If it isn’t true, it should be!
  2. Dik Diks are leprechauns in disguise. I mean, look at them. Dik Diks are about 8 inches tall; leprechauns are about 8 inches tall. There’s the correlation. And as every student knows, correlation implies causation! So therefore, Dik Diks are Leprechauns. QED.
  3. Dik Diks can jump higher than an average house. This is due to their legs being stronger than they appear, and the fact that the average house doesn’t jump.
  4. Dik Diks are some of the last signs that fairies are real. After all, if they’re leprechauns in disguise, fairies clearly exist. Even if they are not leprechauns in disguise, those miniature animals must be used for something: Mounts for the Queen of Fairies! Therefore, fairies are clearly real.
  5. If you stare too long into a Dik Diks eyes, you get pulled into space. I mean, seriously. Have you seen pictures of their eyes? Those adorable little deep black eyes of absolute cuteness? They’re just calling for you to get lost in them. And to fall of the end of the world into space.

So, there you go! Happy Friday!

For the record, I don’t agree with any of that post. Except for the “happy Friday”, part. That I agree with. So, have a great weekend!

Book Review: DV136ZB Digital Video Camera Instructions

I came across an absolute gem today: An instruction manual for a video camera.

Sounds thrilling.

I know, right? It’s amazing what technology can do!

Anyways, what’s particularly interesting about this one, is how it’s written. Here’s the first sentence: “It is able to use the camera for a digital photo of maximum 3.1 mega pixels picture, and is able to shoot AVI short film.”

Also, “zoom” isn’t “zoom”. No. It’s “focusing function.”

Actually, here’s a list of some of my favorite bad-translation/grammar moments from this book: (All emphasis added)

  • “…The water, sand drop, dust, or salty component may damage the camera…”
  • To install the battery: “…put 3 pieces of AAA (7#) batteries in…”
  • For adjusting the (velcro) wrist belt length: “1) Pull the magic sticker on the wrist belt. 2) Pull the nylon strap stuck on the magic sticker. 3) Adjust the bending length of the wrist belt. 4) Fasten the nylon strap on the magic sticker. 5) Fold and nip tightly the magic sticker.”
  • And: “The camera LCD will display ‘Memory full’ if the memorizer is full.”

There was, of course, an abundance of generic “bad-grammar” throughout the entire instruction manual. But those were the highlights.

You really do idolize people who use bad grammar or write poorly, don’t you?

…I don’t think I can answer that one.

Anyways, do you want to know the sad part?

…Those weren’t the sad parts?

No. Heavens no.

The sad part is that the instruction manual was actually better designed than the camera itself.

Please. Tell me you’re joking.

Not even slightly. Fortunately, the camera itself was a freebie. But even so, the joke goes that we still paid too much for it. The instruction manual was totally worth it, though! I love “magic stickers”, don’t you?

Anyways, happy Thursday, everyone!

Chickens

Today, I read this article about chickens. You might want to check it out.

Ok, back yet? Isn’t that interesting? I had no idea that chickens ate egg shells… Or eggs, or chicken… That’s just bizarre.

Although that does bring me to a random question. If “we are what we eat”, doesn’t that make us all cannibals?

What?

Yes. If Cannibalism is eating “what you are”, then you are, by definition, eating what you will be, which means that you’re eating what you are, which means that we are all cannibals.

… Yes, Webmaster. Whatever you say.

What? Really?

No. I was just trying to get you to stop this post before anything more awkward came up.

Says the person who objected to Pride and Prejudice

Anyways, happy Wednesday, everyone! I hope your week has been going well.

You are given an Angry Banana: How do you respond? (2)

Hello, everybody! Welcome back to the top responses to being given an angry banana! We left off at four.

Oh. You were serious about making it two parts.

Of course! You were emphatic about my getting enough material. And since I had enough for two posts, I’m going to use it!

So, back to:

Top Ten Responses To: “You are given an Angry Banana. Now what?”

6. Use it as a boomerang. If you use a banana, that’s just sort of lame. If you use an angry banana, there’s a slim possibility that it will go out of its way to hit your target, because it’s angry. Or it might refuse to come back, because it’s angry. Which means that you wouldn’t need to worry about dealing with an angry banana. Or, it might refuse to hit the person you aimed at, and then come back and hit you in the face.

Ooh, that actually sounds fun…

8. Slap someone in the face. Slapping someone in the face is just silly. Slapping someone in the face with an angry banana? That brings it up to epic. “I slap you in the face with a banana. An ANGRY banana. BWAHAHA!”
9. A-peel to its better nature. I don’t actually know how to respond to this one…
10. Pacify it with an amiable grapefruit. Maybe the banana’s angry because it’s lonely! If you give it a friend, and a friendly friend, I bet it would get much more cheerful. After all, wouldn’t you be happier with an amiable grapefruit buddy?

So there you go, folks! Ten uses for an Angry Banana.

Wait a second… I think you mean 9.

What?

I saw what you did there. You changed the last 7 to 8. Instead of 9.

Ok… So I may have been slightly off on how many best responses I have… So fine, real ten: Do a close up portrait of its expression.

Angry Banana Eyes

Angry Banana’s Angry

Happy Friday, everyone! I hope you have a great weekend.

Here, Have an Angry Banana.

I can’t think of anything I can write about fairly quickly, so here’s a picture of an angry banana.

Angry Banana

The banana’s ANGRY!!!

Well, there you go! Happy-

No. You are NOT calling this an adequate fluff.

Wha?

This is way too short. Go out there, and find more content.

Even though you likely won’t like what I come up with?

Hey, you wrote the post. And if you don’t get the wordcount up to at least 200, I’m writing the post.

…Fine. Just give me a few minutes.

Bwahaha! Some way of possibly getting to post again! Hmm, now what will I write about when the Webmaster fails? Ancient Spring traditions of my home? Magic rituals…? Oh, the possibili-

I’m back, and I have content!

If you don’t write it, it didn’t happen.

Well, you’re in luck, because without further ado:

The Top Ten Responses to “You are given an Angry Banana: How do you respond?” (Part 1)

  1. Eat it. This seems obvious. After all, if you eat it, it will no longer be angry.
  2. Study it. Why is the banana angry? Were its parents mean to it as a child? Is it suffering from disillusionment about the egocentricity of the political atmosphere of the current world?
  3. Plant it in the ground. Maybe it will sprout more. Then maybe you can have a whole army of angry bananas!
  4. Walk away slowly. After all, what might an angry banana come up with to do to you? You never can tell.

Oh, look! I’m at about 250 words. I guess I’ll make this a two-part post! Thank you Fluffy!

…Blast. I mean, you’re welcome.

Maybe some day there will be actual content on this blog again…

Well, happy Thursday, folks! Tune in tomorrow for the 2nd half of the The Top Ten Responses to “You are given an Angry Banana: How do you respond?”

(Bad) Movie Review: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians(!)

I had a lot of fun on Saturday. Some friends organized a “so bad it’s good” movie night.

That… sounds horrifying.

No! It was really fun!

That’s the disturbing part…

Oh, no. Trust me. That’s not the disturbing part.

Redivka’s Radish. Please tell me you’re joking.

“Redivka’s Radish”?

Oh, that’s not an expression here…?

No. It’s not.

And no, I wasn’t exactly joking.

We chose the movie “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”

In the middle of March.

Yes.

Anyways… Heads up, SPOILERS AHEAD:

It starts off on Earth, with an interview with Santa Claus in the “North Pole.” You see his workshop, elven assistants, and toys.

Then you go to “Mars”. And OH. MY. WORD. It was extremely amusing. The producers decided, of course, that Martians are green. And so the Martians wear totally green, and have green skin paint, that was very poorly applied. It looked like it was peeling.

And they also had hats that were (I guess) supposed to be part of their bodies. Or something. But it had some of the campiest special effects I’ve seen. Ok, so it was a 1964 movie. Even so, the effects were awful by today’s standards.

Anyways, as it goes along, you meet the Martian Family. There are the male and female martian children: Bomar & Girmar. (Boy-Martian & Girl-Martian, anyone?) And also Momar, and Kimar. (Kimar’s the leader. So the entire family fits the rule.)

It’s like they didn’t even try to be original.

So anywho. The children Martians are supposedly depressed and stuff, because they’re watching the “earth programs” on the television. (Of course Martians have TV! Why wouldn’t they have stuff that looks like it’s from a 1960s American home?)

The “plot” truly starts when we discover that Martian children all over Mars are becoming depressed, because they are “not permitted to be children.” (One of the lines in there, from Bomar, is along the lines of “Father, what’s tenderness?”)

So the Martians decide to do what any sane Alien would do: Kidnap Santa, and bring him to Mars! (Nevermind the fact that he wouldn’t be able to breathe the Martian atmosphere, and vice versa. Or that it would take a very long time to make a one-way trip, let alone a round trip…)

So the Martians try to do so. They land on Mars, encounter two children who they then proceed to kidnap, (and whose acting quality, if possible, lowers the average acting ability dramatically) and then proceed to the North Pole.

Upon arrival at the North Pole, the children escape. They’re dressed for New York winter weather, and running around in the -91F North Pole. Seriously. The girl’s in tights, for crying out loud. And they can still run, and don’t mention how frigid it is!

Oh, right. They also come across a “polar bear”. Of all the bad special effects in the movie, that one totally takes the cake. It’s so obviously a man in a polar bear costume, that it’s hilarious. (Willing Suspension of Disbelief was definitely eaten by a polar bear, if it hadn’t already disappeared…)

They eventually capture Santa, who’s a very good sport about all this, and take him back to Mars. On the way, an evil martian who accompanied Kimar tries to kill Santa and the two children. And we hear a joke from Santa that will live in infamy: “Q: What’s soft and round and you put it on a stick and you toast it in a fire, and it’s green? A: A Martian-Mallow.”

Upon their arrival, Kimar shows Santa the toy workshop he’s built. The badguy escapes, and plans on causing mischief. A bit of chaos ensues. Finally, Santa persuades Kimar that one of the minor characters would make a decent Martian Santa, and then returns home to earth. And they all live happily ever after, or something.

Oh, and also randomly thrown in were Air-force stock-footage. You could always tell, because the film quality went dramatically up during those scenes.

END SPOILERS.

So, it was definitely an interesting move. What made it really amusing was watching it with friends who delighted in how bad it truly was. It’s worth watching, if you’re in a mood for a B (or C) rated movie.

I don’t know what to say.

You know, for an actress, you do claim to not know what to say a lot

Is that really too surprising? I’m used to having a script. Or at least a plot. It sounds like even this movie wouldn’t have given me either.

Haha, too true.

Anyways, Readers, happy Wednesday! I hope you enjoy the erst of your week.

The Webmaster is Tired

You know, I think I might be a bit tired this week…

Oh?

I’ve been sorta misreading words recently. Like, there was a time that the cafeteria was serving “warm cherry cobbler.” I read it as “warm cheesy cobbler.”

That sounds disgusting.

That’s what I thought. It took me a moment to discover that no, in fact, the cafeteria as not actually serving something that bizarre.

And then another misread: I misread “desist” as “dentist.” That also made no sense. You see, I was reading-

Wow, again?

Oh, shush. Yes. I was reading. And it was from a noble’s perspective. And he was saying something about people on a boat. (I don’t remember the details. As I said, I was a bit tired.) But next thing I knew, I saw something about a “dentist”. Except, of course, that it wasn’t.

…Ah.

Yeah. I think I was a bit tired. Possibly.

So, readers, do you have any sure indications that you’re tired?

Why One Should NOT Trust The Webmaster’s Food Tastes(1)

So, Webmaster….

Hm?

A while back, in your muffin flavored shrimp post, you said that you would explain why someone used “I’ve seen what kind of muffins you eat” as a bad thing…

…Oh. I’d hoped you’d forget about it…

It’s part of me. I can no more forget about it than you can forget about your spleen.

Spleen? What does that do?

…Nevermind. And that’s just changing the subject! You said you’d explain later…

Ok, fine. Well, I can certainly give an example.

Yesterday, I came across the most remarkable muffins. They were rainbow colored, presumably in honor of St. Patrick’s Day.

But not just rainbow colored. They were brightly rainbow technicolored.

Rainbow and chocolate muffins on a tray

They were surprisingly good!

…You actually tried one?

Of course!

They were actually sort of fruity flavored. It was surprisingly good.

Pink, green, and yello partially eaten muffin

Proof that the Webmaster ate one.

I think I understand where that respondent is coming from.

Ah well. I guess that means more for me, though!

Yes. You may definitely have mine…

So, readers, what sorts of odd muffins have you had?

3 Myths of St. Patrick’s Day

Hello, everyone!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Saint Patrick’s Day? What’s that?

It’s a holiday that has its origins in Ireland. It’s in honor of a Catholic Missionary who came to Ireland, and converted them to Catholicism. Since he supposedly used a shamrock to illustrate a finer point of Christian theology, shamrocks are notable features of this day. In fact, there are actually a lot of legends that are associated with St. Patrick’s Day.

Why do I get the feeling I don’t want to know?

Well, you’re going to find out anyways.

Legends about St. Patrick’s Day

  1. Everyone Needs to Wear Green

    Nope, not true. My family has always worn orange. (It’s the sign of being a protestant, instead of a Catholic.)

  2. St. Patrick’s Day is a failure if you don’t get Drunk

    I don’t think this one’s true. I’ve never gotten drunk, so either all St. Patrick’s Days have been a failure for me, (even though some of them have been fantastic,) or this is blatantly false.

  3. Leprechauns hide their pots of gold at the end of rainbows

    False. The dragons stole the leprechaun gold over a century ago. I thought everyone knew that.

Yup, I didn’t want to know.

Well, that’s that. Happy St. Patrick’s Day, folks! I hope you have a great one.